If I could set the mood to yellow it wouldn't be because I'm scared.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

If I could set the mood to yellow it would nt be because I'm scared. Current mood: aggravated Category: Blogging First let us ponder the avocado. In my former life, working in coffee shops I made guacamole on a regular basis. With pounds and pounds of avocados at my disposal, I found it easy to make the substance through trial and error. You see, the avocado is ripe for like 5 minutes of it life. When it is not in its 5 minutes of ripe time it is dancing the fine line between tasty and nasty. Some of this dance involves a paper bag, but lets stick to the story. I bought some "RIPE NOW" avocados at Whole Foods a week ago, thinking "I would love some guacamole. It would be also very tasty on a sandwich for lunch." I, of course, did NOT buy any of the other ingredients I would need. Since I am secretly the laziest person on the planet (please don't tell) I did finally make it to the store a day or so later to get the lime and tomato I would need to complete the vegetable portion of the recipe. Excited about makin' me some guac' I would soon discover that indeed my avocados were no longer "RIPE NOW." They had moved on to Nasty Rotten Now. SO, a day or so later I trucked it down to Winn Dixie and got some more avocados. These were not of the "RIPE NOW" variety, but they had a slight give on the exterior. I figured they'd be fine the next day. It was yesterday after long consideration, that I decided it was time. They felt slightly squishy, but not mushy. I cut them, my knife easily running through them (I would later find out this was due to the fact that I have kick ass knives), but the seeds seemed a little stubborn. No bother, I was not to be deterred. After about 10 minuted of attempting a spoon, and then my fingernails to remove the skin (all the while cursing like Yosemite Sam) I started to think that I had acted too soon. Still I had become a sort of guacamole monster. I was unable to stop the events that happened next. After I had most of the green in the bowl I attempted the tool from this former job that had been bequeathed to me. It is much like a potato masher, but it has holes. This would not work, so I brought out the knife that had mislead me earlier. I proceeded to cut the avacado in the bowl much like someone would stir whipped cream. When that wouldn't work I overturned the bowl onto the cutting board and started to chop it like one would chop herbs. During which I narrowly missed cutting off one of my fingers. I only grazed it. This didn't even slow me down. Once I had chopped it (still cursing like Yosemite Sam), I started adding the other ingredients like nothing had happened. The lime (stung like the blazes in my new wound) and the tomato went into the bowl, along with some spices. Then it was time to taste. I was probably as good as crazy at this point. I proceeded to make two sandwiches (one for lunch and one for dinner) and I sat down to eat my lunch. Half way through it reality hit me. It was garbage. The avocados were clearly not ripe and it was like eating slimy rocks. It makes me sick to think about it. I still put it in a container in the fridge, because I'm in denial. Not to trout Francesca, but I would like to take this moment to vent about the current state in Alabama. If you've not been to Alabama, you may not know that it is the prettiest state I have even seen in my life (we're talking landscape, people). It has some of the biggest trees I've ever seen, and the most lush grass everywhere. The flowers this time of year are absolutely breathtaking. For mother nature to achieve such a feat of beauty, we are given a month of yellow. I, for one, am not allergic to the beast, pollen. It does not effect my health in any way. It does how ever effect everything else. I will illustrate this by recounting my morning thus far. Upon stepping outside I noticed that my car, yes my white honda civic, was now yellow. Walking to my car Mena and I made foot prints in the yellow driveway. Leaning on the car Mena turned her black pants, yellow. I would run my wiper fluid, but my windshield wipers are rotted (but yesterday I turned my wiper fluid bright yellow when I attempted to clear my windows). We drove past the house with the aluminum roof that was now yellow. When I got home, I made noticed I had made tire tracks in my yellow driveway. There is a fine yellow dust IN my car, because I use my air conditioner. There is nothing to be done. If you try to get it off it will be back in minutes. Francesca said it best when she called it the "great equalizer." If all we can derive from it is pain and sorrow, us middle class citizens can drive around and secretly laugh at the Hummer, the Porche, the Lexus SUV, all yellow, just like us. 6:07 AM - 7 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove